Get off my cloud

As I glare jealously at the man opposite me on the train with his shiny glowing Macbook I take solace from the words of my journalistic hero Mr Charlie Brooker who yesterday condemned Apple products and their owners, despite his own hatred of Microsoft Windows, in his not to be missed Monday Guardian column.

And yet despite the fact that this GOD of a man to me has poked fun at Apple, ribbed owners of its products mercilessly for their unwavering support of the machines they will unanimously stand up for at any given opportunity and confessed to his own use of a Windows powered Sony Vaio laptop I cannot help but drool like a schoolboy in a biscuit factory at the Macbook that stares at me from across this cramped plastic train table. Why why why do these machines instil such ludicrous desire in me to the point that I genuinely have to think hard about whether I could conceivably kill a man for the chance to own a brand new 15” Macbook Pro?

Looking across at the git and his Macbook I try my hardest to justify my reasons for not having one (aside from the fact that I don’t have any money) and wonder about the glowing Apple logo on the back of the screen. Whilst this is aesthetically pleasing and indubitably cool it does have to be said that it is essentially unnecessary, other than to irk the likes of me who aspire to such machines. For every second it is glowing smugly in my direction I think about just how much battery it’s using up. No my dusty black Toshiba laptop has no glowing logo on the outside BUT it isn’t wasting any power in displaying one so HA take that Macbook. If portability is all about power then at what point does one sacrifice the longevity of a battery in favour of a big fat glowing “FUCK YOU MY LAPTOP IS BETTER THAN YOURS” neon giveaway?

Sadly however this small victory for my ordinary looking Windows powered machine makes not a jot of difference to my intense deep down desire to own not just a Macbook but an Apple iPhone AND a Macpro desktop to accompany my already much loved second hand iPod nano. How does Steve Jobs make his machines so unbelievably sexy? Sharing the train with Macbook owners is like going to the after party of some supermodel fashion show with your dumpy, pug faced, spotty, glasses wearing subspecies of a girlfriend in tow.

And even though I KNOW owning a Mac of some kind will put me in the company of some of the most irritatingly smug, fart-sniffing twats this planet holds I STILL can’t help myself wanting to be in among this “elite”. Even if it is a club of wankers, I want in.

Curse you Steve Jobs. Curse your aesthetically pleasing hardware. Curse your cuddly user friendly software. Curse your marketing strategy that makes me as a PC user feel entirely worthless as a human being. I don’t know how you’ve managed it but as I bitterly shake my fist in jealous rage I am at the same time entirely in awe of you and your company. This in turn makes me hate myself whereas I bet Mac users never feel self pity or shame.

How I loathe them.

I have been feeling less than happy of late so here is a list of things I like, in no particular order:

@ The sun. I feel better when it is out and better still when it stays out
@ Days off. I am a lazy bastard and I don't like working
@ Football. For all the misery it brings me I can't seem to get enough of it. If Brighton manage to avoid relegation this weekend I will be a very very happy man
@ Beer. Does me no good but I love it
@ Hummus. Doesn't do me any harm and is lovely
@ Curry. Debatable health value but it tastes fucking ace
@ Chaos Fairy. She's WELL fit
@ Communism. Just nobody's perfected it yet
@ Cheeses of all varieties. The French are very good at this, but we English don't do badly.
@ Cats. They're cool
@ My mobile phone. I never answer the thing but it does have loads of cool games and movies on it
@ Cuba. Sun, Rum and anti-American feeling - an unbeatable combination
@ The Beatles. A song for every occasion
@ Days when you really don't feel like going anywhere and it's pissing down outside so you don't feel so bad about staying in
@ Independent films that are a little bit strange
@ Peaceful protests against things like war and poverty
@ Dancing to house music/breakbeat/drum n bass
@ That bit in 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' when Marr changes cord after Morrissey croons the title line. Magic
@ Brighton. The greatest city in Britain
@ Illegal drugs. Make me feel GOOOD
@ Festivals. For feeling the love
@ Reading books. Makes me feel like a big man
@ Girls who are drunk and have lowered their standards
@ The sea. It does so much for us and asks nothing in return
@ The Simpsons. Because it's really really funny
@ Flirting. Harmless fun that turns your mind on to the all too important matter of sex
@ My new shoes. Retro AND practical
@ Cake. Surely everyone likes cake?
@ Being able to drive. If I couldn't, I'd be fucked
@ The girl who works in Accessorize who comes from Melbourne. Friendly AND fit, with lovely red hair
@ Eating at a restaurant. Can't work out why I enjoy this so much, particularly as I frequently cook myself food which I enjoy more, but for some reason the allure remains.
@ Wine. Marvellous
@ My Stereo. Enables me to enjoy music
@ Dreadlocks. Well smart
@ Colloquialisms. Feeling at ease goodness


Just off the top of my head there. Feel free to add your own

You will notice that I have not included mean girl on that list. I have decided that my embarrassing crush on her is getting out of hand and really there is not enough to like considering the way she treats me and the fact that I will never ever get close to her. We have nothing in common and I don't even like the way she acts or behaves. Plus she is rude and vain and goes against everything I stand for. Her music taste is appalling and she burps like a man AND thinks it's funny. She can be quite arrogant and furthermore she has no tits.

In short, there is no other reason to fancy her other than convenience due to a lack of options. So why bother?

Perhaps I will one day pluck up the courage to speak to Accessorize girl. I left her a Valentine's card earlier this year but haven't followed it up due to the fact that I am a nervous paranoid wreck. I might get drunk on a lunch break one day and tell her she is beautiful rather than just writing it to her. I would easily choose Accessorize girl over mean girl any day, but I have only ever spoken to Accessorize girl once, and I don't have her phone number.

Perhaps I should get a hobby. All this pathetic lusting after girls is getting tiresome. It never goes anywhere anyway. Oh hang on, this was a post about stuff I like. Better end on a high

@ Badgers. Bundles of snuffly woodland fun

I noticed recently that I have hardly added to my list of things I hate in months now. Presumably this is a good thing as I mellow in my old age and stop letting things get to me as much as maybe they once did. Either that or I've been too wrapped up in blogging about girls and drugs of late...

Well anyway, to rectify this situation I have decided to open up a new category, et voila: Stuff I Like is now open for business.

And I would like to start with one of the finest examples of large scale British engineering feats: The London Underground.

I know the tube has its doubters and complainants but I have to say that I absolutely LOVE it. It is surely utter utter genius to devise something so incredibly complicated as the underground network we have in London, linking every relevant street corner and place of interest in the whole of North London (and a handful of South London hotspots too). AND this was primarily conceived and built in Victorian times. Unbelievable!

Here is a lovely 3d tube map I found which allows you to navigate the infamous London Tube map in 3d. And this here is one of my favourite tube maps, showing how the tube map would look if geographically accurate. And then just for fun there's this map which shows how the underground network would look with a South London bias, as opposed to the current favouritism of those north of the river. I particularly like this one as it would mean I could get a tube from home, all the way up to Tottenham. Brilliant. Of course ti wouldn't actually be brilliant because the current network which is already brilliant would be gone. And thus I couldn't get to any of those important places such as Farringdon, Paddington or Oxford Street! But nonetheless, it is an interesting concept.

And finally, check this out. What a fantastic idea. Next time I'm there. (Click the link doofus)

And so begins a new chapter in my blog, the stuff I like.