Get off my cloud

It is probably fairly obvious that I am not a fan of the planet's biggest superpower. And what's more I'm not one of these nouveau yank haters, I've been angry at them pretty much all of my life. Long before the Bush administration and war in Iraq I was busily cursing away their every move and all they think they stand for. But to call my hatred irrational is just wrong, I have many justified reasons for my antipathy towards the fattest nation on Earth. Here are just some of them:

• Less than 5% of Americans have a passport. That's right, more than 95% of them have never left their country and never will. This to me shows great ignorance for the world around us. Fair enough not everyone can afford to take regular trips overseas and this isn't a swipe at their large numbers of impoverished citizens. The plain fact of the matter is that the vast majority of Americans have no interest in the world outside of their own sizeable borders. Now I'm not pretending that I'm some kind of worldy traveller who's been there, done that, seen it all but I've certainly enjoyed life away from these shores on numerous occasions, and look forward to doing so many more times in the future. There is just so much to see and do and understand and learn about on this enormous planet on which we're all stuck. Don't waste your life by not even attempting to get a view of the bigger picture.

• The Bush factor. Well it did have to be said. Even ignoring the fact that the man in charge is a moronic, bumbling buffoon with less brain cells than your average algae, what really gets me about the whole situation is that this warmongering imbecile didn't even win the popular vote to gain power in their "democratic" nation. Split down the middle between Al "I probably know what I'm doing" Gore and George "duhhhh, what's a Europe" Bush the clueless American people couldn't decide who they wanted in control and so countless recounts were necessary to determine who had edged the result. It turned out to be Gore, Bush seized control. Now how the fuck does that work? It isn't just the fact that the two options open to them were poor at best, but that they didn't kick up any hint of a fuss when the wrong party decided it was their right to take the White House (or did "god" make the decision?) just shows how apathetic they are as a nation. And yet if a political party takes charge of an oil rich nation without being democratically elected into power the Americans feel it is their right to storm in and "make things right". Double standards anyone? And to add insult to injury, 4 years on the American people have the chance to right this wrong and instead go ahead and vote for Bush & son to continue their reign of terror, despite the endless list of wrongdoings and lack of morals. America, you only have yourself to blame.

• McDonald's. Yuk. This shit is just plain wrong. How can they get so excited about processed meat filings and rehydrated vegetable matter? The fact that they are getting collectively fatter is just rubbing the noses of famine-stricken countries into the dirt. Nobody likes a fatty, but if everyone's blimp sized then it becomes less of a concern somehow. Yeah that makes sense.

• Saved by the Bell. I hold this show personally responsible for the stupifying number of people in this country that use bastardised English/American vocabulary. Our language can be beautiful and moving, why would you want to wreck it? Read some Shakespeare and go home. Now you might think that criticising American TV is a bit rich considering the embarrassing state of our own 4 terrestrial channels, but what with such gems as Charlie & Lola finally beginning to justify the licence fee I am confident things are on the up for us in the dear old U of K.

• The accent. From New Hampshire to Arizona, Washington state to South Dakota, every single one of them sounds like a moron. Sorry, but if you sound American, you sound stupid.

• Their "god-given" right to pollute the planet that they SHARE with the rest of us, leading to the eventual destruction of Earth as we know it some years down the line. Why? All so 'mom' can drop the kids off at the mall without having to worry about marauding cattle halting her progress in the enormous SUV that's drinking their barely taxed petrol like a newborn baby suckling at its mothers teat (something else they know nothing about, being bottle-reared inbreds).

• Unquestioning faith in the existence of a "god". Do me a favour, if you're so small minded and incapable of independent, rational thought that you need to justify your existence following Earth's greatest work of nonsense - The Holy Bible, at least keep it to yourself eh? The rest of us really couldn't give a fuck and the idea that your "god" told you to invade Iraq doesn't wash. As I understand it, it was Allah's will to have the World Trade Centre erased, but I don't see many of you sitting down in acceptance of that. I'm all for freedom of religion, so long as it's kept behind closed doors...

• On 9th of October 1967 the CIA shot and killed Ernesto "Che" Guevara. His crime? Believing in a free and just society for everyone. I will NEVER forgive the nation of America for this crime, regardless of how stupid blaming the death of one man on an entire nation may seem. May he rest in peace.

And that ladies and gentleman, in short, is why I don't really like that lot over the Atlantic. I would HAPPILY see their entire featureless rock sunk for all eternity. But don't worry about it if you're a yank, just go back to bed America, your government is in control...

What is the deal with other people on the road?

Am I the only person that can drive?

Why don't you all just FUCK OFF?

I am sick to the back teeth of being stuck behind some pointless cretin who is paddling along at the wheel like a snail on smack with weights tied to his backside. Why can't everybody just drive fast? I'm not talking about lunatic speeds that threaten the very existence of anything else using a road, I just want people to realise that me and my little red car use the roads to get places, not for idling along country lanes for the fun of it. So when you see my car, either speed the fuck up or get the fuck out the way, it's not hard.

I pay a buggering fortune for use of Britain's roads through my road tax, and thus I expect use of them as I see fit. And that gives me the right to drive like Michael Schumacher on speed if I want to.

So old man in your VW Polo, shift up or shift over, I am not playing mr patient anymore. If you get in my way I will plough you into a ditch and I don't care how you get out. Understood?

I apologise if this post makes me come across as an arrogant meathead but I have to live in the bastard country, against my wishes might I add, and these country ways don't fit in with my urban ideals.

...and relax.

Rant over



** STOP PRESS **

Weight watch is going rather well my blogfans. I made the daring trip to the weigh scales yesterday and have fallen below 11 stone again, in fact I'm not far off 10 now. It seems my programme of no beer and all night clubbing is paying off. My life has gotten more boring but at least my belly is on its way. I shall be fit for summer and the new girl in my office will have to stop poking fun at my weight, and eventually I will pull her. Then she'll see. Dum bitch. Ha!

Every office has one, and schools seem to have many, it's the office tosser.

The Daily-Mail reading bigot sitting opposite me today is driving me fucking nuts. He's just turned the radio off (from bland and inoffensive Radio 2) in order that we have to listen to his incessant Tory ramblings instead. I don't want to hear his voice but he seems to love it.

He went on for about an hour earlier about how this country needs Thatcher back in power. I nearly choked on my tea. Now he's belittling Guardian readers and raving about Elvis.

FUCK OFF OFFICE TWAT

The worst part is he was retired but the company got him out of retirement to do his old job because they couldn't be bothered to train anyone new up.

Very tempted to go home sick, or just throw a brick in his stupid face

It's just so obvious sticking TV on my obligatory list of hates that I almost feel bad in doing so, but then I remember how much I hate it and want to add it twice.

For all its many uses: news reports, football matches and Eastenders, I still find them irritating in the highest order. I'd say that over 99% of TV output is straight unadulterated puerile shite that I don't want to see, hear or experience. One of the most annoying things I find about TV is the way people will just leave a telly on, not even watching it. This is a crime tantamount to terrorism as I see it and should be stopped at all costs. Right now at work that truly gut-wrenchingly awful documentary of the grim up north Coronation Street is rolling away in the background distracting the corners of my eyes (I have no proof that my eyes have corners, but similarly no proof otherwise) and poisoning my ears. However, it seems that everyone else that works here would rather have nonsense TV on rather than no TV. What is wrong with peace and quiet I ask you?

AND we have to pay for this gloomy punishment, regardless if I only ever used the box for playing Playstation on. How is that fair? And don't even get me started on adverts. There are many many applications out there today that can block advertising on websites so why does one not exist for TV? A simple plug in device that automatically replaced advertising with images of dancing lemur accompanied by classical music would surely take off immensely, a global bestseller. But no, as yet the only escape we have from this mind control is the off button, which, actually is fine for the job. Why didn't I think of that earlier?

Must dash, celebrity Big Brother is on...

It is wrong for boys to hit girls, and so has it always been. But, if I could get away with hitting a girl it'd be Condoleezza Rice. Nice sharp back of the hand to her face, just the once, but no messing about like.

And what the fuck kind of a name is Condoleezza anyway?

In fact, that's it you dum yank warmonger, you're going on my list. HA!

Nice one Boots, you just made my list.

I have been on the phone all afternoon trying to find some place which stocks the digicam I want. Most places are simply out of stock but the website says to try Boots, so I give them a call and am greeted by the standard irritating machine which directs me to the photo department. 15 Minutes of irritating hold bleep later I give up and try again but this time don't choose an option from the automated service, so as to get through to the front desk. Soon enough some girl picks up and I explain my query. She tells me I have to speak to the photo dept but before I have a chance to tell her they suck I'm on hold again.

I give up after about 10 minutes this time.

So once more I ring the main desk and the same girl picks up. Putting on my nicest, most charming voice, I ask if she could possibly check the availability of 'something' for me. She guesses instantly that it's me and gives me the same spiel about the photo department but this time I'm ready for her and interrupt
'no chance' I say 'they won't answer me, why can't you help me?', I enquire politely. But she's wise to my game and tells me that only they can help. I beg and plead with her,
'you could surely just have a look on the shelf for me?' I try helplessly.
'I'm downstairs' she whimpers back.
By this point I'm pouring my every effort into pleasantry and try once again
'Oh please won't you have a quick look for me? I'll make it worth your while, you know you want to...'
I'm sure she almost smiled at this point but it's still no good
'I have to transfer you, I'm sure they'll answer' she offers, rather pathetically
'but they won't, I know they won't, I speak from experience'
'well I tell you what, I'll transfer you over and if you don't get a response I'll help you myself'
'please do' I beg

10 minutes later my call is disconnected

Grrrrrrr

Well that's my custom in your store gone, you won't get it back Boots. Oh no. You won't see me for toffee in your pathetic, pointless, doesn't-know-what-it-wants-to-be "pharmacy" shop ever again, unless I'm wielding an enormous hammer. Are you listening Boots? Are you?

It'd be so nice if in 2005 we didn't have to hear from any of the following bands, consider this my Christmas list:

Busted

Blue

Keane

and whoever won that new Popstars/Pop Idol programme, could you just give up before you've even started please? We all know you're just gonna be shit so save me the effort of adding you to my list and fuck off. That is all

Following on from my earlier rant about Quality Street, they have made my list.

For obvious reasons really. But mainly because I just don't like them. Truly, they belong in a bygone era.

And Nestle, you baby-killing Frenchmen, take note. I don't like your shitty confectionery assortment, which means nobody likes them. Hear me? Do away with them for all our sakes

All well and good for about 15 minutes, and then it simply fails.

Thanks Accuradio. Truly you are a marvel of internet broadcasting. And I hate you

Why oh why?

I can't stand post offices. So many vital activities need to take place there and yet they are never prepared for them. The queue there is invariably tantamount to awaiting sentence in a Texas prison and if you do ever make it to the front of the line before dying of old age the withered old dragon at the counter will grumble and tut at you as if she is doing you a favour.

I'd rather eat pins than spend time in a Post Office I really would