Get off my cloud

And so, five days after my night of foolish twattery, it's really starting to sink in how badly I've messed up this time. Barely anybody seems willing to talk to me. This whole network of friends that I've worked years to build up in this city has pretty much been destroyed in one fell swoop. The flatmate who seemed to be the best home sharing option I've had in many a year is almost certainly going to be gone, and what's more the guy was a good friend too. I don't even know what we are now.

 

The lesbian, not just girl of my dreams but a genuine contender for one of my closest friends in years, won't take my calls. I have a horrible feeling she has suffered most from this stupid fuck up on my part, my wasted alter-ego spewing love-ridden sympathy texts her way in some subconscious desperate attempt to determine how much she cares. I don't know this for sure, but I've lived with my screwed up head for long enough to have half an idea how it works when it's in self-destruct mode.

 

I mentioned before how desperate I am to find that one true close special friend with the bond that I imagine exists between on-screen best friends such as Chandler and Joey, Will and Grace or Moomin and Snorkmaiden. But I don't even know if this even exists so commonly in the adult world. Just because I was deprived of any close allies during those personality shaping school years, doesn't mean that if things had been different for me then it would make any difference now. And when I look at other people, in my paranoia tinted specs, I still wonder whether lots of guys I see are as close as this hypothetical bond I find myself so keen to unlock. I think with girls it's a lot more obvious, and you rarely ever find a girl of any age who can't tell you who her very best friend is. I know my mum has a best friend but I have no idea if my dad would consider anyone his best friend, or even if he's even thought about it.

 

So maybe, as is the case with much of my troubled life, I am searching for something I believe I should have that, in fact, not everyone else does have. Well, of course I understand that obviously not EVERYBODY does have a best friend and there are clearly plenty of people out there with no friends whatsoever, and I pity them (as well as slightly sympathise right now) but it is all relative just as it is when people tell you to cheer up as it's not like you've lost your legs or have to die of starvation because your country is plagued by famine. I have never said my life is WORSE than those with missing limbs or severe malnutrition BUT I don't encounter these people in my day to day life, I've never been to Ethiopia and as wheelchair friendly as the modern age is I don't actually come across those unfortunate enough to be wheelchair bound on a regular basis. I don't want to compare my misery and suffering to that of other people but inevitably I do, always considering that the average guy on the street doesn't have to battle with anywhere near as many issues as I do. And what do I know? I know nothing just by seeing some guy kiss his girlfriend on the street in public. He may be beset by ill-health, have suffered severe trauma, lost many loved ones to a murderer, he might even have AIDS. BUT what do I see? I see the guy kissing his girlfriend on the street. And that says to me this guy is in a relationship, and instantly I feel certain that his life is better than mine.

 

So we're back to the girlfriend thing again, and doesn't it always come back to this? Reading back over moans of the past from these very pages and yes, yes it does come up a lot BUT I wonder which I crave more right now. Is it the closeness of a lover or the unbreakable bond of a best friend forever? I guess it's difficult to judge with experience of neither.

 

But what if there are people who consider me a close friend and I choose not to accept this? How do I even know I'd let anyone that close to me? Or at least as close as this imaginary bond I lust after defines. If I can never consider myself good enough for a partner due to my deep set feelings of having no self worth, how then can I ever expect to make it as someone's closest friend? I wouldn't date me, and I don't even know if I'd be my friend. Mind you, we do have the same sense of humour and taste in music...

 

But I digress. How do I recover from this? What is the way out? Surely the best course of action after a failed suicide attempt isn't a more successful effort and yet that's exactly how I feel right now. I am sure I had no real intention of actually harming myself on that drunken Friday in question, I was just in a foul mood and heavily under the influence of a drug I should be avoiding in this state. And the only catalyst can have been that I was having a bit of a petty strop - not a serious contender for suicide excuse of the year. BUT now where am I? More alone than ever having alienated myself from those I felt closest to. I can try my very hardest to win many of these people back but I know deep down that it will never be the same again, that I can't recover from this like I could a drunken late night "I love you" phone call or a slurred insult I didn't really mean.

 

Maybe I got a bit of pity out of it, but if I ever had any respect, I don't anymore.

 

And it's all about the lesbian. It is her I miss most in all this, and her that I feel, right now, I would cope worst without. Never mind that I've only known her 6 months compared with the 8 years of some of these friends I've lost, I just want her to understand. And why is this? Just because I am in love with her? What possible good can come of this? Knowing that I can't have her doesn't come in to it, and regardless of my feelings for her I just really want to be close to her. And I do think I genuinely want her friendship, I'm not just looking for second best being as I can never have her as my own. But how do I know that even if I got her back, even if she forgave me and things went somewhere close to how they once were, how do I know that the first sniff of some rival for her affections wouldn't send me spiralling out of control? Well, I don't. But right now I don't care.

 

I miss her.

 

I miss being able to be me.