Get off my cloud

It is probably fairly obvious that I am not a fan of the planet's biggest superpower. And what's more I'm not one of these nouveau yank haters, I've been angry at them pretty much all of my life. Long before the Bush administration and war in Iraq I was busily cursing away their every move and all they think they stand for. But to call my hatred irrational is just wrong, I have many justified reasons for my antipathy towards the fattest nation on Earth. Here are just some of them:

• Less than 5% of Americans have a passport. That's right, more than 95% of them have never left their country and never will. This to me shows great ignorance for the world around us. Fair enough not everyone can afford to take regular trips overseas and this isn't a swipe at their large numbers of impoverished citizens. The plain fact of the matter is that the vast majority of Americans have no interest in the world outside of their own sizeable borders. Now I'm not pretending that I'm some kind of worldy traveller who's been there, done that, seen it all but I've certainly enjoyed life away from these shores on numerous occasions, and look forward to doing so many more times in the future. There is just so much to see and do and understand and learn about on this enormous planet on which we're all stuck. Don't waste your life by not even attempting to get a view of the bigger picture.

• The Bush factor. Well it did have to be said. Even ignoring the fact that the man in charge is a moronic, bumbling buffoon with less brain cells than your average algae, what really gets me about the whole situation is that this warmongering imbecile didn't even win the popular vote to gain power in their "democratic" nation. Split down the middle between Al "I probably know what I'm doing" Gore and George "duhhhh, what's a Europe" Bush the clueless American people couldn't decide who they wanted in control and so countless recounts were necessary to determine who had edged the result. It turned out to be Gore, Bush seized control. Now how the fuck does that work? It isn't just the fact that the two options open to them were poor at best, but that they didn't kick up any hint of a fuss when the wrong party decided it was their right to take the White House (or did "god" make the decision?) just shows how apathetic they are as a nation. And yet if a political party takes charge of an oil rich nation without being democratically elected into power the Americans feel it is their right to storm in and "make things right". Double standards anyone? And to add insult to injury, 4 years on the American people have the chance to right this wrong and instead go ahead and vote for Bush & son to continue their reign of terror, despite the endless list of wrongdoings and lack of morals. America, you only have yourself to blame.

• McDonald's. Yuk. This shit is just plain wrong. How can they get so excited about processed meat filings and rehydrated vegetable matter? The fact that they are getting collectively fatter is just rubbing the noses of famine-stricken countries into the dirt. Nobody likes a fatty, but if everyone's blimp sized then it becomes less of a concern somehow. Yeah that makes sense.

• Saved by the Bell. I hold this show personally responsible for the stupifying number of people in this country that use bastardised English/American vocabulary. Our language can be beautiful and moving, why would you want to wreck it? Read some Shakespeare and go home. Now you might think that criticising American TV is a bit rich considering the embarrassing state of our own 4 terrestrial channels, but what with such gems as Charlie & Lola finally beginning to justify the licence fee I am confident things are on the up for us in the dear old U of K.

• The accent. From New Hampshire to Arizona, Washington state to South Dakota, every single one of them sounds like a moron. Sorry, but if you sound American, you sound stupid.

• Their "god-given" right to pollute the planet that they SHARE with the rest of us, leading to the eventual destruction of Earth as we know it some years down the line. Why? All so 'mom' can drop the kids off at the mall without having to worry about marauding cattle halting her progress in the enormous SUV that's drinking their barely taxed petrol like a newborn baby suckling at its mothers teat (something else they know nothing about, being bottle-reared inbreds).

• Unquestioning faith in the existence of a "god". Do me a favour, if you're so small minded and incapable of independent, rational thought that you need to justify your existence following Earth's greatest work of nonsense - The Holy Bible, at least keep it to yourself eh? The rest of us really couldn't give a fuck and the idea that your "god" told you to invade Iraq doesn't wash. As I understand it, it was Allah's will to have the World Trade Centre erased, but I don't see many of you sitting down in acceptance of that. I'm all for freedom of religion, so long as it's kept behind closed doors...

• On 9th of October 1967 the CIA shot and killed Ernesto "Che" Guevara. His crime? Believing in a free and just society for everyone. I will NEVER forgive the nation of America for this crime, regardless of how stupid blaming the death of one man on an entire nation may seem. May he rest in peace.

And that ladies and gentleman, in short, is why I don't really like that lot over the Atlantic. I would HAPPILY see their entire featureless rock sunk for all eternity. But don't worry about it if you're a yank, just go back to bed America, your government is in control...